I am eighteen.

I am returning to my old haunts on the internet, like xanga and deviantart.

I am going to an amazing school this september.

I am becoming more creative once more.

I have a job that pays well and will help me with my intended career.

I am well looked after.

And yet, I am un-alterably discontented as always. Will I ever be fully satisfied with life? Will I ever taste real, tangible happiness? I suppose I'm simply spoiled in my way of life; I've had it too easy to really appreciate how good I have it. And yet I can't help feeling, as always that their is something missing. Something wrong. Not with what life has offered me, but with me. In me. My way of thinking is confused and indecisive.

It is me that is flawed.

I am unbelievably tired, and I can count on one hand how many people will probably read this, but I feel like posting for the heck of it anyways.
I hate those days where things just seem pointless. You're not as brave as you thought you were...or as strong...and things which were once so important; things which you once treated with reverence and awe, become simply 'things.' The lustre and shine leaves them discolored and unimportant, and you are faced with the reality that life is real, life is hard, and you don't always get what you want.

I suppose I just wish that for once things would make sense. I should be happy right now. I've got money at last for the books and music I'd like to buy, I'm about to begin teaching violin in April, there are nine weeks of school left before I'm free, and more and more I'm beginning to feel as if I am finally healing. I haven't had a bad breakdown recently; I can go through the day without being tortured by recurring 'random' images of things I'd rather not see; in short, I'm gaining control of my thoughts.
And yet I just feel numb, as if the suffering never happened; as if this healing period isn't something to be happy about.
It's probably a mixture of lack of sleep and down-ness after my hectic Spring Break, but I'm getting tired of this.

I just want to be happy. Truly, genuinely happy, without the questions of whether or not everything around me is really there, or that I even exist at all.
I suppose it's just odd, finding myself un-assailed by the things which have troubled me the past four years. It's like I can't get used to being healthy.
I'm sure it'll pass, and with it the numbness will go away. Till then, I'm just ready to move on.
On a brighter note, I thought I'd post a few pics from my Colorado trip. Pointless, as I don't think anyone ever even checks my xanga anymore, but what the heck.

School = Stress.

People keep asking me if I'm ok, so I figured I would officially explain my blahness.

I am so majorly stressed out right now, that I've become a home-work zombie. Yup. Any-one know what that's like? It seems to be a perpetual state for some of us...at least during high-school.

Apparently I got more than I bargained for when I signed up for AP History, and Pre-AP Physics...and everything in between. *sigh*

I'll admit I've had some emotional issues recently, so if I act eh...odd at school, please forgive me. 'Tis the curse of being paranoid and overly-dramatic. I just want all of you to know that I'm not angry at any of you or anything. So, if you say something to me and I don't respond, or email me or call me or whatever and I neglect to answer, don't take it personally. ^_^

On a lighter note...
I saw Corpse Bride this weekend. Wow. I must admit I was skeptical, thinking it would be too dark. But it was BEAUTIFUL! I would love to do that sort of animation some day. It's so creative...and different. I really loved the three main characters. The way they walk...talk; the clothes they wear; their expressions...it was all perfection! Tim Burton, you're my hero. *mock swoon*

Seriously though. I actually almost cried when Victor played the piano in the beginning. I'm a sap, I know. But it was just so darkly romantic; him being in a gray, depressing, empty room and filling it with such passionate music...it was truly wonderful.
You must all go see Corpse Bride. Now.

I suppose this means I have to go and watch Nightmare Before Christmas now.

::EDIT::

Just for fun, I stole this from Raiya's Xanga site. She has my name. Heheh.


F:

Your Beauty lies
in Contradiction. Controversial, unpredictable, and
never what anyone expects.
You appearance and your personality are two
opposite things. Even your
appearance sends different signals to different
people. To some you may look
innocent and sweet, to others you look mysterious
and intimidating at the same
time. No one ever knows what to expect with you.
You are a little bit of
everything all mixed together. You can be watching
the football game with the
guys one minute and the next out shopping at the
mall. You seem to be almost a
different person every time you meet someone, but
at the same time you know
exactly who you are and there is always that one
thing that makes you you. You
enjoy keeping people guessing and people love how
completely unpredictable you
are.

Some Things
That Represent You:

Element:
Fire, Water Animal: Chameleon Color:
Dark Tones, Light
Tones Song: Everything by Alanis Morriesette
Expression:
Half-smile

Gemstone:
Opal Mythological Creature: Gryphon,
Half-breeds Planet: Mars Hair
Color: Red Eye Color:
Brown

Quote:
"Appearances can be deceiving."

Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::..
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