I am unbelievably tired, and I can count on one hand how many people
will probably read this, but I feel like posting for the heck of it
anyways.
I hate those days where things just seem pointless. You're not as brave
as you thought you were...or as strong...and things which were once so
important; things which you once treated with reverence and awe, become
simply 'things.' The lustre and shine leaves them discolored and
unimportant, and you are faced with the reality that life is real, life
is hard, and you don't always get what you want.
I suppose I just wish that for once things would make sense. I should
be happy right now. I've got money at last for the books and music I'd
like to buy, I'm about to begin teaching violin in April, there are
nine weeks of school left before I'm free, and more and more I'm
beginning to feel as if I am finally healing. I haven't had a bad
breakdown recently; I can go through the day without being tortured by
recurring 'random' images of things I'd rather not see; in short, I'm
gaining control of my thoughts.
And yet I just feel numb, as if the suffering never happened; as if this healing period isn't something to be happy about.
It's probably a mixture of lack of sleep and down-ness after my hectic Spring Break, but I'm getting tired of this.
I just want to be happy. Truly, genuinely happy, without the questions
of whether or not everything around me is really there, or that I even
exist at all.
I suppose it's just odd, finding myself un-assailed by the things which
have troubled me the past four years. It's like I can't get used to
being healthy.
I'm sure it'll pass, and with it the numbness will go away. Till then, I'm just ready to move on.
On a brighter note, I thought I'd post a few pics from my Colorado
trip. Pointless, as I don't think anyone ever even checks my xanga
anymore, but what the heck.
Comments (1)
those pictures are all amazing, but I like the first one the best.
I know that you're gonna find happiness. don't worry about all that stuff. if you ever need someone to talk to, you can talk to me.
Rachelle